and a brown bird sang in an apple tree

I want to feel calm, healthy, grounded, happy, joyful, peaceful, patient, vibrant… I don’t want to feel turmoil inside.

I pray.  I believe is something larger than me… ‘the Spirit-that-moves-in-all-things’.  As an aside, it’s weird for me to write those words.  Weird because I relate to friends that don’t believe and have no use for religion, especially since it has caused so much lack of love in the world, ie. war, etc.  Weird also because I relate to friends that can’t imagine going through life without that inner connection and belief.

I pray.  I believe is something larger than me… ‘the Spirit-that-moves-in-all-things’.  I read recently that prayer is praying to God who we are all a part of and positive affirmations are prayers to Love within each of us.

When we were dreaming about living on Gabriola, I collected some photos that would help me envision living here.  I bought a frame with three windows in it, inserted the photos and hung it over our kitchen table.  I looked at it all day long and we talked about whether or not it was a dream worth following.  It was.  And is.

That frame is in storage.   But I need to start dreaming.  So here are my dreams and the photo affirmations.

I am healthy, grounded, happy, joyful, peaceful, calm, patient, and vibrant.

I’m looking for gratitude.  Sometimes I can’t find it.  I feel I should be more positive and not write about this.  Life feels hard.  Relationships feel hard.  World suffering is everywhere.  People feeling unloved… what else does it boil down to?

Joy pops in here and there.  Liam discovers Tim’s tickle spot and forgets how to be sneaky about it.  Rory kisses my pinched finger nail and trots off to whisper proudly to her Daddy that she gave ‘Momony’ a kiss to make me feel better.

Anger pops in too.  It seems to override everything.  Eclipsing the joy.  I am looking for things to be grateful for.  It’s been half an hour since everyone else went to bed.  Now it’s easier.  Liam and his overwhelmed, tender soul.  Mine to tend and cherish.  Aurora and her needy, giving soul.  I am grateful to know these little people, these big hearts, and be a part of their lives.

It is important to come back to my path, for me.  For them.  What is my path?  ‘To walk with them’.  I want to be calm, to be patient, to be grounded.  I am whole.  I don’t feel it right now.  It’s still worthwhile to say it, to type it.

I am whole.  I am whole.  I am whole.

xo

    Today I’ve been thinking about Liam and Aurora fighting. Obviously I hate to see them fight. But they’re developmentally primed for physical violence, so what do I do about it.  Intellectually I have lots of grand ideas.  Like being a calm presence.  Like developing a strong connection with them throughout our day.  This is what I strive for.  If I’m busy with something else, I tend to react too strongly.  I know it’s too strong because it breaks what little connection there was between them and I, and then I’m cleaning up the mess, so to speak, of that over blown reaction.

Lately, I remembered a sweet little sesame street book where Bert apologizes for breaking something and is told that ‘you and our friendship are more important than any teapot’.  It’s like gold.  They fight and I offer that ‘both of you being safe is more important than having the dishwasher not run’… Rory likes to hear the beep of the on button and Liam is trying to keep it off since he’s taking some ownership in starting it up with Dad.  So after my little reminder, they went off to play something else together.

here’s our little, light filled home. Just mattresses so far. There’s more work to be done before the big move in.

A penguin parade down the stairs, one at a time.

I love seeing that table saw in the kitchen. Put a big cutting block on top, it’ll make a great multi-purpose island.

So happy to be living in this dream.

This homeschooling / unschooling thing totally applies to me… I love researching new things and trying them out. I am so loving the macro button on my camera. Fun, fun, fun.

Here comes a heart.

xo

Last month, I felt inspired to organize a tiny gathering of home schoolers for our very own Apple Fest.  Liam, Aurora and I didn’t need another excuse to make apple biscuits but it’s fun to share.

It’s so easy and I love them so much that I have to share:

Mix 2 cups flour and 1 tablespoon baking powder, then fork in 1/4 cup margarine/butter.  Stir in 3/4 cup milk / water.  While Liam and Aurora mix and eat the dough, I quickly chop an apple or two.  Just drop balls of dough (if you divide into eight balls they’ll be ~1\3 cup sized) on to a cookie sheet.  Press the apple pieces into the balls to flatten them.  Mix a heaping tablespoon of brown sugar with 1\4 teaspoon of cinnamon, and sprinkle a bit over each biscuit.  Bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes.

One family brought apple dumplings, mmm.  Another Mom brought a wreath made from apple shaped paper that her kids coloured, it was so sweet.  After eating, we had a goofy race down the beach while balancing apples on our heads.  There were apple rings made from construction paper.  It was fun to watch the kids make up their own play after I quit with the apple stuff:)

It was so lovely.  It just felt so good to love apples with other apple-loving folks!  Now we’re looking for any excuse to make up another festival… Moon fest?  Squash fest?  Rose hip fest?

We’ve been taking a break from life.  Husband-guy has needed some time to reassess his calling and career which has required taking a break from our beloved but small island.  And from the motorhome.  Sure it was small and there’s four of us but it was dry and had all the conveniences of a larger home.  34 feet of 1981 camping luxury has seen many better days than 2 years of constant use by a toddler, a preschooler/kindergartener, a Mom and a Dad.

So we’ve spent some time at a dear friend’s and have not regretted this time, one bit.  What a leap of faith it took to take this time for our family, to commit and go.  But it has been so fruitful.  I had such anxiety and tension living in that motorhome… so much that I didn’t notice it anymore.  After a week being away, I found myself feeling anxious or tense and it reminded me of living in the motorhome.  I decided then and there that I didn’t like that feeling so I made amends and felt better.  Then I realized that there were these long gaps in between feeling tense and not feeling tense.  For two years, I hadn’t had those gaps.  Needless to say that my relationships with my family have not been optimal.  I am so grateful for this time:)

babies harvest herbs in the circle of the sun,

circle of the sun on harvest day.

babies harvest herbs in the circle of the sun,

circle of the sun on harvest day.

clouds to the north, clouds to the south,

wind and rain to the east and the west.

babies harvest herbs in the circle of the sun,

circle of the sun on harvest day.

 babies learn to love in the circle of the sun,

circle of the sun on the loving day.

babies learn to love in the circle of the sun,

circle of the sun on the loving day.

clouds to the north, clouds to the south,

wind and rain to the east and the west.

babies learn to love in the circle of the sun,

circle of the sun on the loving day.